We love you, Chris Harrison.

Indeed, it has been an embarrassingly long time since I’ve written.

Can you forgive me?

This post is the result of a good friend in need of a Bachelorette update.  It’s what the whole world needs.

So obviously, A LOT has happened since I last wrote.  Here it is in a nutshell:

*Ali still has terrible hair. and a terrible fake laugh.

*Weatherman was almost murdered by crazy professor character.  These two will be meeting again in the Bachelor Pad house this August.  There will be blood.  Also tiny nipples and crying.

*Mumbly robot did not off himself, but probably should have.  Instead, he sang songs and got a tattoo.  He will never get laid again.

*Scrapbooker keeps finding his way into my heart…and then I remember he’s a scrapbooker.  He also paws at Ali’s face a lot when they kiss.  Those hands are definitely clammy.  It weirds me out.

*Ali constantly makes out with one dude in front of the precious gaggle of other dudes.  Not even one dude in particular, all of them, all the time.  Loudly.

*Kissing sound effects need to stop.

*For the first time ever, the bachelor/bachelorette actually questions whether he/she is pretty enough for one of the contestants.  There is always one rose-seeker who would clearly NEVER date the person they are trying to win.  (See: most of the girls on Jason Mesnik season.)  Ali has made two comments to Roberto about this.  Props to her for being self conscious in front of America. (until she strips down to a bikini out of nowhere in the middle of Iceland.)

Now let’s talk about last night.  This episode has been dangling in front of us for weeks.  And though every show is the most shocking episode in Bachelorette history(!), I was really holding out for this one.  In the end, there was one star last night.  And it was this guy:

Oh, Chris...you are so sensitive and caring. Can I braid your hair?

If you watch this show and don’t want to be BFFs with Chris Harrison, something is wrong with you.  The minute he walks into a scene, E2 and I glance at each other and smile…as if he’s our oversized, overaged son.

The episode starts with ridiculous b-roll of Ali doing stupid girl things that girls never really do.  This montage ends with a voice over of her saying: “I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point.”  Who says something like that ever?  Especially when you’re on TV making out with 7 dudes at a time?  I could name at least 65 things that could go wrong at this point, Ali.  And only 14 of those things are diseases.

Directly on the heels of this voiceover, knock knock. It’s Chris Harrison!  So early in the show!  This is going to be amazing.

It’s not.  He has some inside info that one of Ali’s suitors has a girlfriend.  How is this a shocker?  This has happened EVERY season.  The only shocking part is how boring it is to watch one girl tell another girl, “he doesn’t love you, he loves me.  Sort of.  But not really because he also has another girlfriend.  Plus, he will probably burn my house down when he comes back.”

So all that happens, then the camera men follow Justin (the cheater) around for what seems like a wildly inappropriate amount of time.  He looks like he’s trying to escape nature jail.  Climbing over bushes and little ponds and whatnot.  Ali bellows a bunch of stupid things that will embarrass her later.  She says it’s he who will be embarrassed.  Not your best moment, darling.

Olive oil wrestling is next.  They had to have done this exclusively for Joel McHale, right?  The Soup could do an entire show dedicated to this episode.  I don’t even feel like I can say anything about this.  See for yourself:

Did you make it through sans-vomit?  So, the guy with the head too big for his haircut wins.  He has been pointless this entire season and remains pointless even after their alone time.

He also gets booted at the end of the night.  Again, not shocking.

I skipped a lot of cringeworthy moments (such as Ali appearing in front of Frank, dressed head to toe in a purple genie costume, and Frank staring at her like she’s a dancing piece of steak) , but I promise to get back on my game.  Next week’s episode looks like another winner.  (And by winner, I mean the absolute worst thing on television.)

b.

PS.  If it matters to you, Chris L. is my favorite.  E2 still holds out hope for the weatherman.

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